Hope

I've been living in a place between hope and attachment for a very large part of my adult life.

It feels like I have been wandering a desert searching for water without a map or strategy, not realizing that hope itself was never a guarantee I would ever find it. While that hope has been a helpful emotion, acting as the encouragement I needed to keep taking steps forward when confronted with uncertainty and adversity, it has also allowed me to form attachments to specific outcomes leading to destructive decisions.

Hope is the belief that if I keep moving, it is possible I will find water.
Attachment is the idea that it can only come from a clear blue lake that is ice-cold.

For as long as I remember, I have carried the hope that I would meet a consistent person who wanted to give me the love and protection I have not yet experienced in my life. I became attached to the idea that the only way I would feel this was by finding a romantic partner to build a life with. This attachment has led to me making choices that were not in my best interest.

In my 20s, I would date anyone who showed me the least bit of interest, even if I knew that the relationship wasn't heading in a good direction or bringing out the best in me. In my 30s, I started to abstain from dating altogether. I wasted years of my life waiting on a specific person to reciprocate my feelings and effort. Two ends of the spectrum. Both with the same desired outcome. Both left me feeling like I invested time and effort that didn't lead to the future I had hoped for.

I can become so attached to an ideal outcome, that I would walk right past a cactus, completely dismissing the opportunity. While the cactus may not be what I had expected, it contains the very thing I have been hoping for.

On the flip side, when I was laid off from my Sales Management job in 2018, I took a chance and made a career pivot. I focused all my energy on myself while attending a coding bootcamp. I had hope that I would become a software engineer but there was no certainty that I would ever get a role in such a competitive industry. After months of dedication to building and mentoring others through the same bootcamp program, I was able to land my first developer job where I worked my way from a Technical Implementation Consultant to Chief Engineer of two teams of developers.

Hope has been both an effective tool and a destructive force in my life. Upon reflection, I realize now it is when I grip tightly to an attachment of a particular outcome that my judgment becomes impaired. I start ignoring my intuition and any evidence that doesn't confirm my bias.

All this is to say, I hope I never lose the courage to hope - even with the knowledge of how it has misled me (and has the potential to do again). I choose to believe these detours are what transform me. Each unexpected turn shaping me into a more compassionate, resilient and better human. I can only hope.